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She was twenty-nine, I was two and against all odds I was the one that reigned that day, enthroned on the backseat of her car. Not even on a child car seat, just on the plain, soft one Fiats used to have back in the ’80s. Her mission was to “deliver” me to grandma, intact and ready to spend the next two summer months with her. Only a four hour drive stood between our apartment in the capital and my grandma’s cottage; little did she know, my poor mum, that that journey would change the way she felt about road trips. Or children.

If you haven’t already guessed, that was the day I decided to test all my premature skills. I wanted to put the strength of my legs to test, so I kept jumping on the backseat. I was wondering if I could be a soprano when I grew up, so I screamed my lungs out. I wasn’t convinced that an apple a day keeps a doctor away, so I decided to throw it away; at my doctor-mummy’s head. What did she do? She tried driving with one hand while holding me back with the other. That didn’t work. And just when I was ready to launch myself to the front seat… she started crying.

“That was the ’80s”, most of you must think. No compulsory child car seats, no DVD players on the back of the front seats, short journeys made long due to maximum cars’ speed being 50mph… Yeah, right. Technology might have achieved miracles but just not that one yet that makes a baby stay quiet during a long trip. So, as parents, are our road trips doomed to a soundtrack of woawoas and boohoos?

1. Safety comes first

Everything has to be perfect in a baby’s world if you want him to be quiet and happy. When it comes to road trips, though, you might find it difficult to combine safety and comfort. First thing you have to do is choose a suitable child car seat for his age and height that is also comfortable. Your toddler is going to spend the next few hours of his life immobilised; would you behave if you had recently discovered that you can use your feet to jump and run? I don’t think so.

2. It’s never too late

It’s your trip. You have no buses to catch, there are no trains to miss. You might like the thought of departing early in the morning and making it to the beach later in the afternoon, but give it another thought; do you really think you can wake up your baby, pack him up, load him in the car, make him stay still in the back seat for hours and still not have a headache at the end of the journey? Instead, try to stick to his sleeping routine: depart around thirty minutes before his bedtime, drive in a relaxed manner, without breaking or speeding like a Formula1 driver, keep the music down and, God willing, he’ll fall asleep as usual!

3. Don’t worry about making him feel too comfortable

To begin with, make sure that your child is not too hot or too cold during the trip. Use sunblock window shades to prevent him from getting sun-cranky but also to protect him from the hazardous UV rays. If he’s still wearing diapers get organised; you can bring along your portable diaper changing pad and if his diaper needs changing do so as soon as possible. Be prepared to make a few stops: these will help him defuse -and a bit of stretching can also benefit you! Feed him as you normally would and keep him hydrated. Just because you can go on a four hour trip without eating doesn’t mean your baby can too.

4. Start talking

I’ll admit it; when driving alone on the motorway for hours I feel like complaining to someone about my boring, lonely trip. It’s just that no one is there with me. Well, your baby has you to complain to and, rest assured, he will do so. Babies need to hear a familiar voice and see a familiar face (usually their mother’s) in order to feel safe, that’s why during a road trip, when they can only see your back, they tend to get fussy. Talk to him with that calm voice of yours that reassures him that the world is a safe place to live in. Or use that funny voice that makes him giggle every time. If he has already started talking, tell him a story (or make one up!) or engage him in conversation. There are so many interesting topics you can discuss with him; “what does that cloud remind you of?”, “the cow goes… ?”… You get the picture.

5. Play it again… and again

It is widely admitted that there is no proper road trip without a soundtrack. Well, the days of travelling “Like a Rolling Stone” listening to Iggy’s “Passenger” belong to the past since a new passenger was added to the car. Listen to his favourite music while driving and sing along! You can try a few new songs if you want to and see if they catch his attention. Don’t turn your car into a night club, though; keep the volume at a normal level.

6. Bring his best friends too

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and toys are a child’s. If he’s a baby the best solution is to use a baby activity centre (you can find a wide variety in stores) and attach it to his seat. If he’s a toddler, bring his “gang” on the trip too and encourage him to play with them as soon as he starts getting cranky. You can work together on scenarios like “what is Teddy going to buy in the supermarket?” or “what happened to Mr. Tickles at the dentist’s?”… If there are other people travelling with you ask them to play with him. You just enjoy your ride!

Why do relationship counselors, speakers and authors say repeatedly that your relationship depends on how well you communicate with each other? Because marriage is a partnership and to create teamwork, you need to keep each other informed, and keep yourself aware of your partner’s ideas, wants and reactions. We all know a lot these days about the techniques of communication, but I find that many of my clients don’t understand the necessary attitudes to create domestic happiness. The following guidelines are adapted from my two newest books, coming out in 2008.

The Sweetness Factor

Nothing improves communication and intimacy better than enhancing the sweetness in your marriage. We live in a cynical, hard-edged culture, so it’s easy to become embarrassed or shy about being sweet to each other, but when you see the difference a little sweetness makes in your emotional life, you’ll understand why it’s worth it, and that no matter what the bickering couples in the sitcoms are modeling, being kind and tender toward each other creates a much better relationship. If you put more energy into expressing your love and appreciation for each other than you put into arguing and resisting each other, you’ll be creating your own happiness. Research shows that a happy, loving partnership will enhance your self-esteem, improve your mental and physical health, and even give you longer life! When your life together is loving and pleasurable, you’ll have more energy for success in everything else you do. When you can count on each other to be protective, supportive, kind, and caring, and to do your respective parts in the partnership, you have a firm foundation for handling whatever life brings you. The calm assurance you get from knowing you are loved and cared about makes it easier to think clearly and make good decisions. It’s a great blessing to be and have a loving and reliable partner with whom to make plans and carry them out.

To increase the sweetness in your relationship, try the following:

• Express gratitude: Count your blessings out loud. Remember to say “thank you” to your partner, even for little things. If you’re thinking about it, you’ll be able to find things to express gratitude for several times a day. If you have a spiritual or religious background, give thanks together for everything. My husband and I say “And we thank Thee, for receiving; that which we need to know, that which we need, and that whom we need to know, and the courage to act upon it and the energy to follow through,” whenever we want to give thanks.

• Be courteous: Nothing ramps up the sweetness more than old-fashioned courtesy. Being familiar with each other is not a reason to drop your “please and thank-you’s.” Politeness is lubrication for your daily interactions, it makes everything go more smoothly.

• Look, smile and touch: There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch. To demonstrate this in seminars, I use a ‘magic wand’ that contains a battery, and is wired so that you have to put one hand on each end of it to light it up. I ask a couple to hold hands, and then have each of them hold one end of the wand with the other hand, so it lights. Then, I ask them to let go of each other’s hand, and the light goes out, even though they’re still holding the wand. This even works with a big circle of people, when two are holding the wand. When everyone holds hands, the wand lights—if anyone in the circle drops another’s hand the wand goes out, because the electrical circuit of the connected bodies is disconnected. Also, neurology research shows that your brain “lights up” when you look at someone you love. In my office, I know that when I get a couple to look at each other and hold hands, their arguments become much less angry. You can use that electrical connection to provide “juice” in your marriage. Look at each other and smile frequently when you’re together; give each other little pats, massages, gentle touches, and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving, you’ll keep the energy (and the sweetness) flowing between you. Your physical body will remember all those little looks, caresses and smiles.

• Give compliments: It costs nothing to say “You look good” or “I like your shirt” or “You did a great job” and it gives back countless rewards. Give each other as many complements as you can manage, every day. Between complements and gratitude, you can really pump each other up and both of you will feel great, and look like you do.

• Celebrate: Make a fuss, big or small, over every little accomplishment or milestone you achieve. Remember, Appreciation +selfgrowth”>Motivation. If you want to motivate each other to stay together, work toward a good marriage, be a success, or be more loving; celebrate and appreciate every tiny step in a good direction. You’ll be surprised how quickly you achieve your goals when you celebrate every step along the way.

• Party: Create a party atmosphere for bigger celebrations. Toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer. Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your table with the best china.

• Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos and souvenirs of fun events, vacations and sports or hobby trophies. It’s a constant reminder of your ability to have fun with each other. Or get together for an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon.

Relating with Love

Relationships have their unavoidable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between you. Thoughtfulness, ‘thankselfgrowth”>add a spritz of sweetness frequently. You’ll be amazed at how good you feel, and how much more responsive your partner is.

Guidelines for Relating With Love (Six things to remember)

1. It’s not about who’s right or wrong it’s about solving the problem together. If you try to win the argument, you’ll lose something more important B loving feelings.

2. With listening, caring and the willingness to change, anything in your relationship can be fixed.> 3. It’s a partnership, silly! Stop struggling, and learn to work together. Focus on teamwork and sharing.

4. Behavior that enhances relationships with people at work, and with your friends, will probably work if you use it with your spouse. Seek to be more rational and less angry or emotional.

5. What goes around comes around, in love as well as life. If you want more of love, try giving more. It will work every time.

6. Act like the grownup you are, not a little kid. Think before you speak and focus on solutions, not problems. Give up whining, complaining and suffering, and step up to taking responsibility and loving more. Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage (Adams Media) ISBN# # and Commuter Marriage (Adams Media) Both to be published in 2008.© Tina B.Tessina, 2007

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